So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
