peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
