so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
