I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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