Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
