I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
