I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
