tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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