I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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