he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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