If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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