Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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