$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
