What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
