Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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