My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
