she looked like the before picture.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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