she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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