Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
40s are totally the cure
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My ass is underappreciated
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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