I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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