You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
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I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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