just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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