The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
