I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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