Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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