Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
