she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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