Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
