i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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