i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
organizing the empties. That sober.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
