last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize