In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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