Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
