dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
