Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
