Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
