did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is Oprah even human
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
