Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
