guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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