The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
