I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
