I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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