Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize