I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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