i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
