My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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