If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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