so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
