Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
