This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
