Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
