He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
