All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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