The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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