Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
