That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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