i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
