This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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